My Gospel Musings: The Parable of the Laborers

So for the past few days I've been feeling kind of off kilter. It was like something was just not quite right but I couldn't figure out what it was. Despite feelings of joy, friendship, excitement, and love I just couldn't seem to pull out of it. This morning as I was reading in Matthew 20 a note from my past helped me understand what my problem was.

Matthew 20 begins with the parable of the laborers:

"For the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which went out early in the morning to hire labourers into his vineyard.

And when he had agreed with the labourers for a penny a day, he sent them into his vineyard.

And he went out about the third hour, and saw others standing idle in the marketplace,

And said unto them; Go ye also into the vineyard, and whatsoever is right I will give you. And they went their way.

Again he went out about the sixth and ninth hour, and did likewise.

And about the eleventh hour he went out, and found others standing idle, and saith unto them, Why stand ye here all the day idle?

They say unto him, Because no man hath hired us. He saith unto them, Go ye also into the vineyard; and whatsoever is right, that shall ye receive.

So when even was come, the lord of the vineyard saith unto his steward, Call the labourers, and give them their hire, beginning from the last unto the first.

And when they came that were hired about the eleventh hour, they received every man a penny.

But when the first came, they supposed that they should have received more; and they likewise received every man a penny.

And when they had received it, they murmured against the goodman of the house,

Saying, These last have wrought but one hour, and thou has made them equal to us, which have borne the burden and heat of the day.

But he answered one of them, and said, Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst thou agree with me for a penny?

Take that thine is, and go thy way: I will give unto this last, even as unto thee.

Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil because I am good?

So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called but few chosen."

Most of the time I've heard this parable discussed it is in the context of being thankful for what we have and the nature of fairness and justice. I think those are important parts of the parable to consider but my note made me think about it from the perspective of those called to work in the 11th hour. I'm pretty sure it was based on ideas from someone much smarter and wiser than I am but unfortunately I forgot to write it down so I can't give credit where it is due. It may seem extraordinary that the Master was willing to pay them for a full days wage after only one hour of work. My guess is though that these were extraordinary people.

They had waited all day hoping for work sufficient to meet their needs. I can only imagine their feelings as they saw others hired and the numbers dwindle. If human nature holds true it's likely that after a period of time many who had not received hire for earlier in the day left - either in anger, frustration, or despair. It's so hard to hold on to hope when it seems unlikely there will be any reward for our efforts and it's much easier to just give up and leave and go grumble about how awful the situation was or find other ways to distract ourselves from the problems of life.

These workers didn't give up though. Perhaps they had past experiences that they could rely on or were more desperate or more dedicated, but they held on to hope even when it was hardest.

I also noticed something I hadn't before - they had willingly gone to work without an agreed on payment. It was probably the understanding that their work would determine their earnings. I'm going to take a guess that knowing they were coming to the work with such a short time before the day would end they were eager to prove themselves of value and worked diligently while they were there.

I realized that that was my problem, I had lost sight of this idea and was starting to give up hope that my efforts would be rewarded. I just need to trust that as I continue in patience and persistence and give my best to the work I will be rewarded with all the things I stand in need of.

The Ultrasound that Changed Everything and Nothing: My Experience with Miscarriage

This is Tiger's ultrasound. It was a magical moment when we got our first glimpse of our baby to be. I still remember that day vividly. EC, Monkey and I all gathered in the tiny little ultrasound room anxiously wondering what would see and if we would be lucky enough to find out gender etc. I remember Monkey's disappointment (okay outright denial) that it was going to be a boy, my fear at the idea of trying to raise a boy and all of that.

Fast forward to July 2011... we were back at the hospital anxiously awaiting again. This time Tiger was with us. I'd been prepping Monkey for the week she'd known about the pregnancy that it could be anything - a boy or a girl (she had been hoping for twins... just as long as it wasn't two more boys) my specific words to her were "you know it doesn't matter what it is as long as it's healthy."

The kids happily bounced down the hall to the little room, even more joyously crowded this time. I anxiously and excitedly held hubby's hand. Finally the technician began. I knew something didn't look quite right but I told myself that maybe it was just the prep pictures and I just didn't remember anything but the cute ones they sent home with us. Then the technician broke the news... there was no heart beat. The fog of denial began and I tried to convince myself that it was no big deal... so what if there's no heartbeat, maybe it was just too early for that,  maybe it wasn't a good picture, maybe the machine was broken...maybe...

As I began to realize the full significance of the moment I clung desperately on to the few remaining lifeline strings of my sanity. They were this:

1. I knew that whatever I was going through was something that lots and lots of women have gone through... and worse. I've been so blessed by all those women that have shared their pain prior to my own experience... maybe not in the details of the events, that would probably be too much to handle, but just knowing how many wonderful women I knew that had been through what I was going through was a huge uplift beyond description. It's also interesting because the doctor's told me that about 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. That doesn't really sound like a lot but it's one out of every five pregnancies. I think most of the women I know have either miscarried, miscarried multiple times, had a still born baby, a baby that died in infancy, or have had difficulty conceiving. Considering that it's also not something most women feel comfortable sharing there's probably others that I know that I just don't know about.

2. My family. Instantly I realized that I couldn't change it and since I couldn't change it I shouldn't dwell on it. After all, I had a great husband and two wonderful children. I also still had my overall health to be with them. How ungrateful would I be if I allowed this one loss to consume my life.(like I felt could so easily happen if I even momentarily walked that path).

3. I'd already been through trials and loss that year and been forced to come to an understanding deep within myself that even when I didn't understand why something was happening that it was all part of the bigger plan. For whatever purpose or reason, Heavenly Father was still in control and as long as I allowed Him to stay that way, I would be able to sometime find peace and joy that would overcome all those other moments of pain and loss. In the middle of everything I came across a quote in the June 2011 Ensign Magazine from Elder Richard G. Scott that helped give me a bit of perspective- "Trust in the Lord... Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding and compassion, which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain."

That isn't to say it was easy. The baby had stopped growing a few weeks before the ultrasound. It wasn't until a few weeks after that I finally miscarried. The whole time I felt like an anxious ticking time bomb and didn't understand why my body would do this to me - why I wasn't strong enough to carry the baby through the pregnancy and why it now couldn't even pull it together enough to recognize that something was wrong and get it all over with. I bounced around all over the grief cycle for a long time and those fears didn't all magically go away when we finally found out that would were expecting Bear - having suffered loss before made me that much more worried about what could happen. Even still looking at my family I thank Heavenly Father for each day I have with them because I know intimately just how precious it is.

Looking back I can see how much certain things that people did or didn't do really helped as well. Thankfully the few people we talked about it with were amazing. Most of them simply asked "How are you holding up?" and let me share whatever I was ready to share.  One family brought over dinner. Another family invited the kids over for a few extra playdates. After I sent an e-mail blubbering about not being sure of how to handle Primary (I was the Primary President at the time), our wonderful Stake leaders made a special trip to take care of sharing time. One of our friends even let me borrow a copy of a book that had just come out and as soon as they had finished so I wouldn't have to wait for it to become available at the library.

It's funny but I was amazed at the impact of those little gestures. I didn't necessarily need to talk about it with everyone, or get the 3rd degree about what had happened. What I needed most was time to pull myself together and gentle reminders that I wasn't alone, that I had a lot of wonderful people who loved me and cared about me.

Unfortunately all women aren't so lucky.  One of my friends miscarried a few years ago and someone who meant well ended up saying the wrong things and ended up making the experience much harder. I know she isn't alone. Often it seems people in their rush to say something consoling just don't think before they speak so in my experience and opinion here are some things that you might not want to say.

First, it is NEVER okay to start making guesses at why it happened. The only thing that does is bring pain. The mom at that point doesn't need to hear from anyone that that maybe if she had just done things differently then it wouldn't have happened. That's between her, her husband, and her doctors - no one else. (Please also remember a lot of the time it's simply a fluke of genetics and nothing could have changed anything.) As for "it's all part of the plan" response - that's something once again the family needs to come to peace with on their own - the only thing hearing it from another person does is make them resentful.  "You can try again" just negates the hardship that the family has been through and places more weight on the ability/timing of trying again - to the point of making some women unhealthily obsessed with it instead of just allowing time to heal the wounds and take its course.

Those are just some of the experiences that stood out to me, I'm sure that other well meant words could be taken just as poorly. Still, everyone also has a different experience. As one friend said she had seen someone that bounced back the next day and another that pretty much couldn't leave her bedroom for over 6 months. And just in case you're wondering no, I don't think it's because some women are "stronger" than others, it is all just still a part of pregnancy - there all sorts of hormones and physical pain in addition to the emotional pain that goes on with all of it and there's also a lot to be said about personal circumstances and experience before it happens too.
 
I will go one step further about all of this- this is hard on the Dads too. My guess would be that pretty much the same rules apply to them as well- watch your words, remember they're likely to be pretty protective of their wives at this point and even though they're generally not as free to grieve openly over the loss, it's still a loss for them.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and I had been debating if I should share my story since it's been a while and then my dear friend lost her little one only a few weeks into the pregnancy. I can't take away her pain or even claim to know what she is feeling right now. What I can do is offer up my support and encouragement and say you're not alone. 

Remembering Septemeber 28, 1995

I still remember it almost as vividly as I remember yesterday, in some ways it's even more vivid. It was a pretty average September day for me in 1995. I was running late for 7^th grade as my parents helped me put the finishing touches on a Social Studies project. I felt awful that I had procrastinated (yet again) and missed the bus, forcing my mother to drive me all the way out to school – a good twenty minutes or more out in the rural countryside and the opposite direction from her work.

As the first class change came that day I was showing my project to a friend and walking slowly, far behind everyone else and bound to be late for our next class when another girl we knew came racing around the corner of the building. I can still remember her strawberry-blonde curls flying out behind her and the panic stricken look on her face as she raced past us screaming that someone had been shot. At first I thought it was some sort of bad joke, convinced that things like that only happened in the movies, not in real life and certainly not in towns as small and close-knit as I thought ours was. Her words were confirmed moments after in the look of terror on our school secretary’s face as she screamed for everyone to get inside the classrooms.

We waited, locked in the classrooms for what seemed like an eternity. The only thing we knew for sure was that there was a gun and someone had been shooting. The teachers tried desperately to keep things as “normal” as possible. For the students that were in the right place that meant a few poorly timed jokes followed by some busy work. My two friends that were with me tried to work on homework. I wasn't so lucky and there was nothing for me to do aside from wait so I began to write and pour out my heart on paper writing a poem that still to me captures the tumult of emotions I was experiencing. 

After what seemed like hours the official announcement came that there had been a shooting. Nothing more was said then but everyone was gathered to the cafeteria and in the days before everyone had a cell phone the few that were found were eagerly passed around as we all tried to contact our parents and arrange to be picked up.

By the time we left the outside world knew more about the situation than we did. As it turns out, a 14-year-old boy brought a gun to school and fatally shot another student who had only been 13. I had been within 30 or 40 feet from the end of the building where I would have been a first-hand witness. At first the investigators said it might have been a personal grudge or even a racist attack. There was some strong suggestions of gang-activity. In the end it seems like it was just a tragic case of a youth who was mad at the world finally reaching a breaking point. 

As the students and staff of the school tried to pick up the pieces amidst the grief counselors, television reporters, and instructional sessions from police I thanked my Heavenly Father for the blessings that He had given to me through all of it. As I look back now I am even more grateful for the things I was able to learn even in the middle of all the turmoil.

The first thing I learned is that we can never show too much love or kindness to someone else. As I sat waiting to know what happened my first thoughts were for my classmates and friends. I didn’t know if I’d see them again. Were my last words to them words of kindness and love or had I been mean and rude? Would I ever get the chance to let them know what they meant to me?

I learned that we never know who is hurting inside and needs our help. I rode on the same bus pretty much every day as the boy who brought the gun to school. As often as I had seen him I had no idea that he was capable of such violence. Others that were closer to him knew a little more of his aggressive nature and struggles with drugs and the like but from a distance I only saw an average 14-year-old boy.

I learned how much we all need to understand the plan of salvation. I went to a lot of the grief counseling sessions with my friends. Many of them were much more traumatized by what had happened than I was. They had questions and desperately needed the answers that the gospel provides. I still remember getting a tear-filled phone call from one of my friends one evening. We drove out to her house and my mother sat with her and tried to explain what happened to our spirits and our bodies after we died. I don’t think I had realized before then just how fortunate I was to have grown up knowing that we can live again with Heavenly Father.

Today as I read an article from the newspaper back home that marked 20 years I also learned that as adults we can make a difference. Shortly after the shooting the schools began a program for school resource officers. The idea was that they would work with the students and form a relationship with them so that they would feel more comfortable going to someone if there was a need for help. I never realized that the officer that came to our school day after day and befriended everyone with the perfect blend of authority and approachable humor and kindness was one of the officers that had arrived on scene to help apprehend the shooter and then been the lead investigator in the case. He decided that he would do whatever he could to help prevent this from happening again and made a very real difference in the lives of many of the students there.

Perhaps the greatest lesson for me in all of it was simply that God knew me and He loved me. I was just a little 12 year old girl but on that day there were so many things that happened to protect me and show me that He was in control. A few of them might be able to be explained away by some people as lucky coincidences. Others simply can’t be explained unless you believe in His all loving power.

Each of us faces trials and challenges every day. In the months that followed there were four more untimely and tragic deaths from our school. Since then we’ve seen Columbine, 9/11, Virginia Tech, and Sandy Hill. We’ve also seen local police and military officers attacked, innocents suffer, and devastations from war and natural disasters around the world. Then there are the thousands of personal struggles that we each experience in our own individual lives. Many of them, like this, have the power to change us forever. Heavenly Father has told us though that all our trials will work together for our good if we can trust in Him. I know that this is true. I may have lost a lot of my childhood innocence that day and had to struggle for a time with feelings of fear and uncertainty but I learned so much more. 

Looking back I can say with absolute certainty that because of my own trials and experiences I know that God will bless us even when things look darkest if we can have faith in Him and keep looking for the good.

Being Mindful of the Moment

In trying to think about what I wanted to say today I knew I wanted to talk about motherhood. Should I tell you a little more about my kids? How thankful I am to have them in my life? How I still feel every day like I worry that I’m going to mess them up? My guess is that if you’re a parent you already know those feelings pretty well. If you’re not a parent yet well, you’ve got a lot to look forward to someday.

No, as I start today I’m thinking about the daily rat race of life as a parent. If you’re a parent it is so easy to get caught up in the daily tasks of life: everyone wakes up, everyone gets ready for the day, everyone goes to work and school, everyone comes home, everyone gets ready for bed, and hopefully everyone gets to sleep. If you’re lucky everyone’s managed some semblance of three fairly balanced meals.

Is that what parenting is supposed to be like? Is that how our families are supposed to experience life? I’m horrible about getting caught up in the rat race. My “to do” list is insanely long and impossible. I never seem to get to half of it. I’m always worrying about jamming everything in. Thankfully kids aren’t like that. Over time they learn to grudgingly conform but their natural tendencies are to take life minute by minute and if you let them, they’ll teach you a lot about what’s really important.

Getting to know Monkey at 11 has been so much fun. She’s really starting to get into the deeper stuff of life and she’s handling it so much better than I did at her age. She’s always studying people and coming up with plans for how she can help others. She’s a lot like me in wanting to really understand why people are the way they are and why we make the choices we make and respond the way we do to different things. She makes me remember to look at the big picture and look for ways to show more love.

Tiger at 8 has been amazing. He has grown so much this past year. He loves to dream big and appreciate the small. One minute he’s talking about his dream of becoming an astronaut and finding a new Earth and the next he’s making friends with a caterpillar. He just loves to be happy and to make others happy and is always thinking of the most interesting things to be thankful for – like trees that clean the air and the stars so night isn’t so dark. He makes me remember that anything is possible if you can only stop and enjoy the moment and notice all the little gifts and joys around you.

Bear at 2 ½ is a blessing and a joy. He just loves his family and he’s usually happy doing anything as long as it’s with someone he loves. Of course he has his favorites like trains (we’ve been building A LOT of trains lately to help him pass the time with the other kids at school). He’s also happy to help me do the laundry or dishes. He always greets his family and friends with a big smile, a hug, kisses, and often a few silly faces. He makes me remember that happiness comes from love, not from the toy store.

If we are willing to listen children can teach us so much about the really important things of life. They teach us that dreams and joy and love aren’t found in the rat race – they’re found in the moment. Only as we pause and are mindful of the moment can we really feel and understand the greater things of life. When we take the time to just love and enjoy being with our children they will inevitably find a way to turn it back to us in even greater amounts.