Musings on Gratitude

***Please note that these musings are not intended to be a lecture or sermon. They're definitely not intended as a sign of how "good" I am or as evidence that I've got the craziness of life figured out in the least but are often for my own self as I ponder the person I hope to be. I just hope that maybe by sharing them they might help someone else along the way.***

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Life has always had a lot of ups and downs. We all have them. It’s just part of being human. Sometimes we may look around at all the platitudes of perfection that are on social media or the covers of our favorite magazines and wonder why it seems like we’ve unfairly received more than our fair share of the downs though. After all, why can’t we have a fairy godmother come and make everything work out? Wouldn’t that just be so much nicer? I know I’ve spent more than my share of hours wishing for just such a thing.

The thing about wishing for what we don’t have though is that it doesn’t allow us to think of just how blessed we are. One of the memes I saw recently that really struck home said something to the effect of while we’re busy wishing for all the things we wish we had someone else is wishing for the things we have already been blessed with. Definitely something to think about when we start whining about things that really won’t make a difference 5 days from now or even 5 years.

We may never know why things work out the way they do but dwelling on the what might have beens or the way we wish things were only brings us down. If instead we think about the things that we do have to be grateful for we realize that each of us has been given so many amazing gifts that we can’t even really begin to start counting them.

This lesson really hit home for me when someone was discussing how gratitude affects our prayers. They suggested considering how long we usually pray for and then taking that amount of time and trying to write out as many of our blessings as we could think of. When the time was up review the list and then ponder what life would be like if you woke up the next morning with only the things on your list.

I’m definitely not perfect at it, even though I tend to think of myself as a fairly positive person I’ve realized lately just how often I let the bad take control over the good and start in on the whining and complaining and dreamily wishing. Now don’t get me wrong, wishing is fine but we’ve got to be willing to put some action behind it and make it happen. When we start going down those empty negative roads we just end up feeling even more negative and it snowballs on itself but when we stop and intentionally turn ourselves towards gratitude it’s like a whole new world of joy opens up before us.

Like I said, I know we all go through things though and sometimes it really is just ridiculous little stuff but sometimes it’s hard - really hard. As I gain more perspective on life I realize that even in those darkest of moments when I’ve felt like there’s nothing but me and the storm there have been blessings and lots of them– blessings of strength, comfort, friendship, care, and so much more.  I can realize looking back that I really wasn’t as alone as I felt and I know that I wouldn’t change any of those moments because they have taught me so much and helped me become the person I am. If that’s true than when moments of wind and hail come I probably need to focus on the lessons I’m learning and the growth I’m achieving if I want to keep moving forward in the future and trust and have faith that things will continue to work out as I do so. 

I’m so thankful for this time of year when we can all take a little time to ponder our gratitude and allow it to help shape us instead of allowing pride and jealousy destroy the beauty all around us. My wish is that it will help us all find a little more joy and a little more love and realize amidst all the false enticements and notions of "reality" the things that matter most.

How God Helps Us Best

So yesterday I was asked to give a talk in church and thought I would share my thoughts:

My thoughts today are on the universal need of all mankind for help. It’s a fact of life that each of us has, at some point in time, faced a challenge that was too difficult to bear on our own and have needed the assistance of someone else. Also that we all surely will face many more such challenges in the days and years to come.

So what do we do when those struggles and challenges, tests and trials come? Who can we turn to for help? Obviously those who know us and love us most and those who are the wisest are probably our surest and safest sources for guidance and support.

Isn’t it natural then to believe that Heavenly Father is our best source of help. He knows us better than anyone else. He loves us more than anyone else. He is the only one who understands all the laws that govern life here and in the hereafter.

In Primary we learn that if we have a problem we can pray to Heavenly Father and he will hear and answer us. This seems to come easy to children who naturally trust in their parents and other loved ones to come to their aid in times of need.

Something happens as we grow older though, we think we have it all figured out. I’m sure I’m not the only parent who has tried to help their child with a seemingly simple task like putting on their pajamas only to be told, quite sternly, that I wasn’t needed because they were big now and could do it on their own – despite having switched the holes in their shirt for their arm and head and having it inside out or both legs stubbornly stuck upside down in one side of the pants.

But in one way or another, don’t we all do the exact same thing? We try to do things our way and find ourselves uncomfortable and stuck and we’re not really sure what happened or how to fix it but we’re also not quite ready to admit that we need help because that would mean that we don’t know absolutely everything yet?

Like the loving parent He is though, Heavenly Father stays right by our side in those moments, allowing us to deal with those crazy uncomfortable pajamas until we are willing to let him give us the assistance we need.

In fact the scriptures are full of promises that God has made to always be there with the help we need so long as we can humble ourselves to trust and ask.

D&C 1:28 “And inasmuch as they were humble they might be made strong, and blessed from on high, and receive knowledge from time to time.”

D&C 78:18-19 “And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours. And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.”

James 1:5 “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally , and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.”

1 Corinthians 2:9 “But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love Him.”

Psalms 5:11-12 “But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee. For thou, Lord, wilt bless the righteous; with favor wilt though compass him as with a shield.”

And one of my personal favorites because I think it helps to put it all in perspective. 

Moses 1:39 “For behold, this is my work and my glory -- to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.”

God wants us to succeed, he wants us to learn, this promise is repeated throughout the scriptures - He wants us to grow and become like Him and because his entire work and glory centers around each of us gaining eternal life He’s there with us every step of the way.

There are a few key things to note here though:

First, Heavenly Father will never force us to do it His way. Our agency is too precious to Him and too essential to us. He gives us the commandments and warns us of the consequences for good and for bad, but to step in and take away our ability to choose would also mean taking away our growth and understanding that is a necessary part of His plan for our ultimate happiness. Satan would try to have us believe that allowing us moments of failure and forcing us to figure things out means that Heavenly Father doesn’t love us. Any of us who have watched a child learning to walk know that this isn’t true, although we try to teach and train and help prepare them to walk on their own, stumbles and falls are part of the learning process and we have to just do our best to help minimize the possibilities for danger without interfering in the learning process. I think to some degree that’s what Heavenly Father does for us as well and I know He cheers as louder than anyone when we get back up and try again and find we can succeed.

Second, we have to know that obstacles and challenges are there for a reason. Satan tries to convince us that this is also evidence that God doesn’t really love us. Because of the Gospel we know that it’s simply not true. True agency requires that there be opposition. We have to have a choice to make if we want the blessings of choosing it. When we overcome those obstacles and challenges, when we face adversity and carry on we learn that all things are possible through the Lord. Our faith in His help and the blessings that He has given us is increased and we find we have grown to become more like Him. Even Christ was faced with opposition and challenges but when we look at his life we can see how he handled those situations and was able to take every one of those would be stumbling blocks and turn it around into a positive stepping stone. Your attitude in facing those obstacles can make all the difference. I have noticed though that complaining about them rarely makes them any easier.

Third, We have to follow His path if we want to succeed. Like a trail up a mountain made by guides who know the way, Christ has shown us how to return to Heavenly Father. In the early part of the Book of Mormon, the prophet Lehi talked about the importance of this. Aside from having a firm grasp on the iron rod there wasn’t a safe path that led to the tree of eternal life. Christ said Himself, “I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” Some would argue that it doesn’t seem fair, with so many paths to explore why should only one path lead to God. We have to trust that God knows more than we do though and no matter how much we may wish it differently because He governs in fairness and order that in the end things work out the way that they should. Thankfully repentance is part of that great path and we can always find the trail again with Christ’s help.

The rod of iron that led safely through the path was symbolic of the word of God. One of the biggest blessings that Heavenly Father has given us to help us find and stay on the path are the lives and testimonies of His children.

I love that the scriptures are full of people who were just people like us who lived their lives, did what they could and even messed up sometimes – in some cases a lot of times. We can see what happened when they trusted in God and followed His plan and what happened when they didn’t. We can see how God works with each of us in our own imperfections and can do amazing things through us despite ourselves. We can see the courage and faith of Ester, the obedience and sorrows of Nephi. From David we learn that we can slay giants as well as the need for all of us to beware of pride and coveting and when we mess up we should humble ourselves in repentance. Each person’s story helps us because, like us, they were simply trying to figure life out and had moments of failure and moments where they were able to be worthy of God’s highest blessings.

Heavenly Father has also blessed us with prophets, seers, and revelators in our own time. I know that President Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God. I know that he and those who work with him in the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles have been called by God to a sacred work and that they receive revelation that will help lead and guide the church. Over 2,000 years ago, Paul explained to the Ephesians why God gives us prophets and leaders and told the people the things that God’s true servants would do, he said, “And [the Lord] gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers; for the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ: That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive; but speaking the truth in love, may grow up unto him in all things, which is the head, even Christ.” In the midst of everything we see and hear today it’s easy to feel tossed and fro and feel uncertain of where to go or what to do or how to follow Christ. Not too long ago we were able to hear in person from Elder Rasband – an Apostle and servant of the Lord who exemplified the kind of teaching Paul described. We are also blessed through technology and media to hear from President Monson and our other leaders not only every six months in General Conference but continually through the resources that are online and available in Church Magazines. He’s also blessed us all with Stake and Ward leaders and teachers who love us and do their best to magnify the callings that the Lord has given them.

These are not the only sources that we can learn from though. We can learn from the examples of our own family and friends. Since it’s July I’d like to share with you a family pioneer story that I just learned somewhat recently.

Jacob Nesser was born in 1810 in Switzerland. He was baptized and served a mission there. In 1862 he left Switzerland and was part of the William H. Dane Handcart company. He traveled across the ocean and set out across the plains with his wife, Regula Lobbey Nesser and about 7 children to answer the call of the prophet to gather. They traveled with friends and family. The journey seems to have been difficult for both of them in their early 50’s however, which apparently for the time period was considered advanced in age. Regula died and was buried at Winter Quarters. It seems as though shortly after that one of his sons died along the way as well. Family records tell the rest of his tale. Jacob continued on the trail with his children and reached the Salt Lake Valley. He decided to settle down in the town of Providence, Utah. He married again and had 7 more children. Life in the valley wasn’t easy for Jacob and his family. He found the changes from his homeland in addition to the complications of advancing age and probably the loss of his wife and child extremely difficult. He had been a shoemaker by trade in Switzerland and tried to continue on in that trade but had limited resources and success.  It seems as though he loved his family and children but poverty and poor health took their toll.  He grew bitter towards the church. Just about 10 years after reaching Utah he died. The children from his first marriage left Utah and moved to Jackson County Missouri. His second wife Elizabeth, and her children ended up leaving Utah to join an apostate group that had promised to take care of them but did not. According to the records that I’ve been able to find so far only one of his children – his oldest daughter from his second marriage remained in the Church.

Some of you may be wondering why I would tell such a tragic story when talking about how God helps us best. Where was God during all those times of struggle? Outwardly Jacob had done all he could, I don’t know his heart but I think I could easily imagine his feelings and frustrations, his disappointment and even some of his bitterness. I don’t have all the answers about why he was asked to endure what he did even as he had tried to be faithful, but thankfully I know that’s not where Jacob’s story ends. Not quite 40 years after Jacob’s death, his great grandson James Burlington decided to join the church but about the same time he married a woman who was not a member and lost interest. Heavenly Father still wasn’t done with them yet though and thankfully his 5^th great-grandson, my father was introduced to the church yet again when his roommate at college decided to share the gospel. Like I said, I don’t have all the answers but what happened with Jacob and Regula and their family and to me it is a testimony even though Regula died on the journey and Jacob struggled and became bitter that Heavenly Father loved them and was grateful for the faith that they had shown and that He never forgot them and wanted their children to have the blessings of the gospel. We may give up on Heavenly Father, but He never gives up on us.

Jacob’s story has also helped me put in perspective the concept that President Monson has taught so often. Our decisions determine our destiny and sometimes little choices we make can have a great impact on our future.

Elder D. Todd Christofferson said, “The beauty of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that it pours knowledge into our souls and shows things in their true light. With that enhanced perspective, we can discern more clearly the choices before us and their consequences. We can, therefore, make more intelligent use of our agency. Many of God’s children fall into unanticipated traps and unhappiness because they either lack or ignore gospel light. They are unaware of their options or are confused about the outcomes of their choices. Ignorance effectively limits their agency.”

We have been blessed by Heavenly Father with the gift of the gospel, with the blessings of covenants, with the power of the priesthood, with scriptures, with prophets, with teachers, leaders, family, friends, with our own talents and wisdom and the ability to receive revelation through the Gift of the Holy Ghost. He has surrounded us with everything we might need to be successful and face our challenges if we can only be humble and teachable.

So why does it still seem so hard? What can we do if we’re still struggling and in need of help?

Sometimes when I feel myself facing a particularly difficult challenge I try and take some time for honest personal reflection. I try to remind myself -

• I don’t have to do it all, I just have to do my best and leave the rest to God.
• Great things don’t happen overnight, they happen bit by bit, line upon line.
• God has given me so many blessings that are all around me if only I take the time to look.
• I may not be able to choose my circumstance but I can choose what I do about it.
• It doesn't do any good to worry about things that are out of my control, I can only work to make right what is within my sphere of influence.

I also ask myself the hard questions. Please understand that these questions might be different for each of us based on our struggles or personal tendencies.  These are just some that I have found helpful and hopefully can help get you thinking-

• Am I focusing on the most important and essential things, the things of eternity or am I focusing on the things that are just nice or not important at all?
• Will this matter 5 minutes or 5 days from now? 5 years or 50?
• Am I too busy trying to figure it out on my own and relying on Google that I’ve stopped trying to listen for the still small voice and seeking answers through study and prayer?
• What am I doing that’s getting in the way of God being able to bless me?
• Am I following the plan that God has laid out for my life or am I trying to follow the plan of the world and hoping for God’s blessings?
• What idols am I letting come between me and God?
• Am I letting someone else’s lack of faith alter my eternity?
• Am I trying to carry the worries and burdens of tomorrow with only today’s strength?
• Are my actions consistent with my faith in a loving Heavenly Father?

I know that as we seek Heavenly Father’s help that He will show us the way to safety. He wants each of us to return to Him. He loves each of us because we are all His children. Struggles and challenges come to each of us but He’s given us all we need to make it through, and not only make it through but to feel joy and success as we journey. Whenever we’re struggling all we have to do is turn to Him and follow the path He gives us.

The Ultrasound that Changed Everything and Nothing: My Experience with Miscarriage

This is Tiger's ultrasound. It was a magical moment when we got our first glimpse of our baby to be. I still remember that day vividly. EC, Monkey and I all gathered in the tiny little ultrasound room anxiously wondering what would see and if we would be lucky enough to find out gender etc. I remember Monkey's disappointment (okay outright denial) that it was going to be a boy, my fear at the idea of trying to raise a boy and all of that.

Fast forward to July 2011... we were back at the hospital anxiously awaiting again. This time Tiger was with us. I'd been prepping Monkey for the week she'd known about the pregnancy that it could be anything - a boy or a girl (she had been hoping for twins... just as long as it wasn't two more boys) my specific words to her were "you know it doesn't matter what it is as long as it's healthy."

The kids happily bounced down the hall to the little room, even more joyously crowded this time. I anxiously and excitedly held hubby's hand. Finally the technician began. I knew something didn't look quite right but I told myself that maybe it was just the prep pictures and I just didn't remember anything but the cute ones they sent home with us. Then the technician broke the news... there was no heart beat. The fog of denial began and I tried to convince myself that it was no big deal... so what if there's no heartbeat, maybe it was just too early for that,  maybe it wasn't a good picture, maybe the machine was broken...maybe...

As I began to realize the full significance of the moment I clung desperately on to the few remaining lifeline strings of my sanity. They were this:

1. I knew that whatever I was going through was something that lots and lots of women have gone through... and worse. I've been so blessed by all those women that have shared their pain prior to my own experience... maybe not in the details of the events, that would probably be too much to handle, but just knowing how many wonderful women I knew that had been through what I was going through was a huge uplift beyond description. It's also interesting because the doctor's told me that about 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. That doesn't really sound like a lot but it's one out of every five pregnancies. I think most of the women I know have either miscarried, miscarried multiple times, had a still born baby, a baby that died in infancy, or have had difficulty conceiving. Considering that it's also not something most women feel comfortable sharing there's probably others that I know that I just don't know about.

2. My family. Instantly I realized that I couldn't change it and since I couldn't change it I shouldn't dwell on it. After all, I had a great husband and two wonderful children. I also still had my overall health to be with them. How ungrateful would I be if I allowed this one loss to consume my life.(like I felt could so easily happen if I even momentarily walked that path).

3. I'd already been through trials and loss that year and been forced to come to an understanding deep within myself that even when I didn't understand why something was happening that it was all part of the bigger plan. For whatever purpose or reason, Heavenly Father was still in control and as long as I allowed Him to stay that way, I would be able to sometime find peace and joy that would overcome all those other moments of pain and loss. In the middle of everything I came across a quote in the June 2011 Ensign Magazine from Elder Richard G. Scott that helped give me a bit of perspective- "Trust in the Lord... Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding and compassion, which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain."

That isn't to say it was easy. The baby had stopped growing a few weeks before the ultrasound. It wasn't until a few weeks after that I finally miscarried. The whole time I felt like an anxious ticking time bomb and didn't understand why my body would do this to me - why I wasn't strong enough to carry the baby through the pregnancy and why it now couldn't even pull it together enough to recognize that something was wrong and get it all over with. I bounced around all over the grief cycle for a long time and those fears didn't all magically go away when we finally found out that would were expecting Bear - having suffered loss before made me that much more worried about what could happen. Even still looking at my family I thank Heavenly Father for each day I have with them because I know intimately just how precious it is.

Looking back I can see how much certain things that people did or didn't do really helped as well. Thankfully the few people we talked about it with were amazing. Most of them simply asked "How are you holding up?" and let me share whatever I was ready to share.  One family brought over dinner. Another family invited the kids over for a few extra playdates. After I sent an e-mail blubbering about not being sure of how to handle Primary (I was the Primary President at the time), our wonderful Stake leaders made a special trip to take care of sharing time. One of our friends even let me borrow a copy of a book that had just come out and as soon as they had finished so I wouldn't have to wait for it to become available at the library.

It's funny but I was amazed at the impact of those little gestures. I didn't necessarily need to talk about it with everyone, or get the 3rd degree about what had happened. What I needed most was time to pull myself together and gentle reminders that I wasn't alone, that I had a lot of wonderful people who loved me and cared about me.

Unfortunately all women aren't so lucky.  One of my friends miscarried a few years ago and someone who meant well ended up saying the wrong things and ended up making the experience much harder. I know she isn't alone. Often it seems people in their rush to say something consoling just don't think before they speak so in my experience and opinion here are some things that you might not want to say.

First, it is NEVER okay to start making guesses at why it happened. The only thing that does is bring pain. The mom at that point doesn't need to hear from anyone that that maybe if she had just done things differently then it wouldn't have happened. That's between her, her husband, and her doctors - no one else. (Please also remember a lot of the time it's simply a fluke of genetics and nothing could have changed anything.) As for "it's all part of the plan" response - that's something once again the family needs to come to peace with on their own - the only thing hearing it from another person does is make them resentful.  "You can try again" just negates the hardship that the family has been through and places more weight on the ability/timing of trying again - to the point of making some women unhealthily obsessed with it instead of just allowing time to heal the wounds and take its course.

Those are just some of the experiences that stood out to me, I'm sure that other well meant words could be taken just as poorly. Still, everyone also has a different experience. As one friend said she had seen someone that bounced back the next day and another that pretty much couldn't leave her bedroom for over 6 months. And just in case you're wondering no, I don't think it's because some women are "stronger" than others, it is all just still a part of pregnancy - there all sorts of hormones and physical pain in addition to the emotional pain that goes on with all of it and there's also a lot to be said about personal circumstances and experience before it happens too.
 
I will go one step further about all of this- this is hard on the Dads too. My guess would be that pretty much the same rules apply to them as well- watch your words, remember they're likely to be pretty protective of their wives at this point and even though they're generally not as free to grieve openly over the loss, it's still a loss for them.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and I had been debating if I should share my story since it's been a while and then my dear friend lost her little one only a few weeks into the pregnancy. I can't take away her pain or even claim to know what she is feeling right now. What I can do is offer up my support and encouragement and say you're not alone. 

Remembering Septemeber 28, 1995

I still remember it almost as vividly as I remember yesterday, in some ways it's even more vivid. It was a pretty average September day for me in 1995. I was running late for 7^th grade as my parents helped me put the finishing touches on a Social Studies project. I felt awful that I had procrastinated (yet again) and missed the bus, forcing my mother to drive me all the way out to school – a good twenty minutes or more out in the rural countryside and the opposite direction from her work.

As the first class change came that day I was showing my project to a friend and walking slowly, far behind everyone else and bound to be late for our next class when another girl we knew came racing around the corner of the building. I can still remember her strawberry-blonde curls flying out behind her and the panic stricken look on her face as she raced past us screaming that someone had been shot. At first I thought it was some sort of bad joke, convinced that things like that only happened in the movies, not in real life and certainly not in towns as small and close-knit as I thought ours was. Her words were confirmed moments after in the look of terror on our school secretary’s face as she screamed for everyone to get inside the classrooms.

We waited, locked in the classrooms for what seemed like an eternity. The only thing we knew for sure was that there was a gun and someone had been shooting. The teachers tried desperately to keep things as “normal” as possible. For the students that were in the right place that meant a few poorly timed jokes followed by some busy work. My two friends that were with me tried to work on homework. I wasn't so lucky and there was nothing for me to do aside from wait so I began to write and pour out my heart on paper writing a poem that still to me captures the tumult of emotions I was experiencing. 

After what seemed like hours the official announcement came that there had been a shooting. Nothing more was said then but everyone was gathered to the cafeteria and in the days before everyone had a cell phone the few that were found were eagerly passed around as we all tried to contact our parents and arrange to be picked up.

By the time we left the outside world knew more about the situation than we did. As it turns out, a 14-year-old boy brought a gun to school and fatally shot another student who had only been 13. I had been within 30 or 40 feet from the end of the building where I would have been a first-hand witness. At first the investigators said it might have been a personal grudge or even a racist attack. There was some strong suggestions of gang-activity. In the end it seems like it was just a tragic case of a youth who was mad at the world finally reaching a breaking point. 

As the students and staff of the school tried to pick up the pieces amidst the grief counselors, television reporters, and instructional sessions from police I thanked my Heavenly Father for the blessings that He had given to me through all of it. As I look back now I am even more grateful for the things I was able to learn even in the middle of all the turmoil.

The first thing I learned is that we can never show too much love or kindness to someone else. As I sat waiting to know what happened my first thoughts were for my classmates and friends. I didn’t know if I’d see them again. Were my last words to them words of kindness and love or had I been mean and rude? Would I ever get the chance to let them know what they meant to me?

I learned that we never know who is hurting inside and needs our help. I rode on the same bus pretty much every day as the boy who brought the gun to school. As often as I had seen him I had no idea that he was capable of such violence. Others that were closer to him knew a little more of his aggressive nature and struggles with drugs and the like but from a distance I only saw an average 14-year-old boy.

I learned how much we all need to understand the plan of salvation. I went to a lot of the grief counseling sessions with my friends. Many of them were much more traumatized by what had happened than I was. They had questions and desperately needed the answers that the gospel provides. I still remember getting a tear-filled phone call from one of my friends one evening. We drove out to her house and my mother sat with her and tried to explain what happened to our spirits and our bodies after we died. I don’t think I had realized before then just how fortunate I was to have grown up knowing that we can live again with Heavenly Father.

Today as I read an article from the newspaper back home that marked 20 years I also learned that as adults we can make a difference. Shortly after the shooting the schools began a program for school resource officers. The idea was that they would work with the students and form a relationship with them so that they would feel more comfortable going to someone if there was a need for help. I never realized that the officer that came to our school day after day and befriended everyone with the perfect blend of authority and approachable humor and kindness was one of the officers that had arrived on scene to help apprehend the shooter and then been the lead investigator in the case. He decided that he would do whatever he could to help prevent this from happening again and made a very real difference in the lives of many of the students there.

Perhaps the greatest lesson for me in all of it was simply that God knew me and He loved me. I was just a little 12 year old girl but on that day there were so many things that happened to protect me and show me that He was in control. A few of them might be able to be explained away by some people as lucky coincidences. Others simply can’t be explained unless you believe in His all loving power.

Each of us faces trials and challenges every day. In the months that followed there were four more untimely and tragic deaths from our school. Since then we’ve seen Columbine, 9/11, Virginia Tech, and Sandy Hill. We’ve also seen local police and military officers attacked, innocents suffer, and devastations from war and natural disasters around the world. Then there are the thousands of personal struggles that we each experience in our own individual lives. Many of them, like this, have the power to change us forever. Heavenly Father has told us though that all our trials will work together for our good if we can trust in Him. I know that this is true. I may have lost a lot of my childhood innocence that day and had to struggle for a time with feelings of fear and uncertainty but I learned so much more. 

Looking back I can say with absolute certainty that because of my own trials and experiences I know that God will bless us even when things look darkest if we can have faith in Him and keep looking for the good.