Ready and Able to Serve: Filling up Our Treasure Chests

The other day I was helping someone. An extremely sweet sister that I hadn't met before who had suddenly found herself in a hard place and time and needed help desperately and on short notice.

It's not the first time I've gotten those calls. Sometimes I haven't even gotten an actual call but had a prompting or passing request- either way as the “calls” come they have resulted in a variety of different things. I've brought meals, watched children, driven people to places, helped people move, picked up groceries, took care of animals, and just sat and chatted.

I've always loved the opportunity to serve others. I've never once regretted going and doing (although I have unfortunately regretted plenty of times when I've missed that opportunity for one reason or another). I've often found that I was blessed even more than the person I was trying to help. I love getting to know people better, lifting someone's day, and for my tiny part knowing that the world is brighter because I did something to help.

I hope that doesn't sound conceited or trite because I wasn't the only one who answered the call in this case and it was amazing to see how each of us were able to be there and what we were able to bring in the way of help and how each of us were needed. In the midst of my pure exhaustion that followed I had a thought - What if I hadn't been able to serve? What if I was too busy with other things? What if I didn't have the physical/emotional/mental/spiritual/temporal resources available that she needed? Would she have suffered because I wasn't able to serve? What would I have missed?

I almost broke down in tears of gratitude to my Savior. I thought of all the times I wanted to help but didn't or couldn't and I was so thankful that at least this once I had been prepared to be able to help. I'm not sure I could have done what I did even just a few months ago and the thought was painful to me. Maybe someone else could have been there and everything would have been fine without me, it probably would have. Maybe they could have helped better than I did. But maybe not. Maybe I was the only one who could have done what I did and that small bit for whatever it was worth would have been left undone.

The Lord has blessed me with a treasure chest. It's my job to take care of it and fill it up with the things I need though. If I want to be able to help I have to have the knowledge and strength and resources to be there. I have to be busy filling up my treasure chest so that when others need something I am ready and able to share. It's just logic that you can't give what you don't have.

Now I don't think that God expects us to have everything right today that someone may ever possibly need from us or that we alone have to save the world. He gives each of us different gifts and different needs and what I'm expected to be able to give now will be different than what I might be expected to give 30 years from now. But God knows what we're capable of doing and I think that He wants each of us to be doing our very best. I don't want to have to get to the eternities and realize that I missed opportunities to serve and love and bless because I was too busy or lazy and hadn't prepared myself or didn't even realize that there was a need. The prophets have taught to get out of debt, provide for the future, take care of our homes and families, to take scripture into our hearts, to learn all that we can, and stay close to the Spirit. I think those are all things that I can work on bit by bit each day to help fill my treasure chest so I won't have to come up empty handed and can be satisfied that I truly did give all I could.

I am just so thankful that I was here, I was ready to answer the call and I was able to serve because of what I've been blessed with largely because of promptings that have come through the Holy Ghost. That means so much to me. I still have a lot that I can be doing to fill my treasure chest up but the other day I truly felt like I could not have been more blessed.

The Ultrasound that Changed Everything and Nothing: My Experience with Miscarriage

This is Tiger's ultrasound. It was a magical moment when we got our first glimpse of our baby to be. I still remember that day vividly. EC, Monkey and I all gathered in the tiny little ultrasound room anxiously wondering what would see and if we would be lucky enough to find out gender etc. I remember Monkey's disappointment (okay outright denial) that it was going to be a boy, my fear at the idea of trying to raise a boy and all of that.

Fast forward to July 2011... we were back at the hospital anxiously awaiting again. This time Tiger was with us. I'd been prepping Monkey for the week she'd known about the pregnancy that it could be anything - a boy or a girl (she had been hoping for twins... just as long as it wasn't two more boys) my specific words to her were "you know it doesn't matter what it is as long as it's healthy."

The kids happily bounced down the hall to the little room, even more joyously crowded this time. I anxiously and excitedly held hubby's hand. Finally the technician began. I knew something didn't look quite right but I told myself that maybe it was just the prep pictures and I just didn't remember anything but the cute ones they sent home with us. Then the technician broke the news... there was no heart beat. The fog of denial began and I tried to convince myself that it was no big deal... so what if there's no heartbeat, maybe it was just too early for that,  maybe it wasn't a good picture, maybe the machine was broken...maybe...

As I began to realize the full significance of the moment I clung desperately on to the few remaining lifeline strings of my sanity. They were this:

1. I knew that whatever I was going through was something that lots and lots of women have gone through... and worse. I've been so blessed by all those women that have shared their pain prior to my own experience... maybe not in the details of the events, that would probably be too much to handle, but just knowing how many wonderful women I knew that had been through what I was going through was a huge uplift beyond description. It's also interesting because the doctor's told me that about 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. That doesn't really sound like a lot but it's one out of every five pregnancies. I think most of the women I know have either miscarried, miscarried multiple times, had a still born baby, a baby that died in infancy, or have had difficulty conceiving. Considering that it's also not something most women feel comfortable sharing there's probably others that I know that I just don't know about.

2. My family. Instantly I realized that I couldn't change it and since I couldn't change it I shouldn't dwell on it. After all, I had a great husband and two wonderful children. I also still had my overall health to be with them. How ungrateful would I be if I allowed this one loss to consume my life.(like I felt could so easily happen if I even momentarily walked that path).

3. I'd already been through trials and loss that year and been forced to come to an understanding deep within myself that even when I didn't understand why something was happening that it was all part of the bigger plan. For whatever purpose or reason, Heavenly Father was still in control and as long as I allowed Him to stay that way, I would be able to sometime find peace and joy that would overcome all those other moments of pain and loss. In the middle of everything I came across a quote in the June 2011 Ensign Magazine from Elder Richard G. Scott that helped give me a bit of perspective- "Trust in the Lord... Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding and compassion, which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain."

That isn't to say it was easy. The baby had stopped growing a few weeks before the ultrasound. It wasn't until a few weeks after that I finally miscarried. The whole time I felt like an anxious ticking time bomb and didn't understand why my body would do this to me - why I wasn't strong enough to carry the baby through the pregnancy and why it now couldn't even pull it together enough to recognize that something was wrong and get it all over with. I bounced around all over the grief cycle for a long time and those fears didn't all magically go away when we finally found out that would were expecting Bear - having suffered loss before made me that much more worried about what could happen. Even still looking at my family I thank Heavenly Father for each day I have with them because I know intimately just how precious it is.

Looking back I can see how much certain things that people did or didn't do really helped as well. Thankfully the few people we talked about it with were amazing. Most of them simply asked "How are you holding up?" and let me share whatever I was ready to share.  One family brought over dinner. Another family invited the kids over for a few extra playdates. After I sent an e-mail blubbering about not being sure of how to handle Primary (I was the Primary President at the time), our wonderful Stake leaders made a special trip to take care of sharing time. One of our friends even let me borrow a copy of a book that had just come out and as soon as they had finished so I wouldn't have to wait for it to become available at the library.

It's funny but I was amazed at the impact of those little gestures. I didn't necessarily need to talk about it with everyone, or get the 3rd degree about what had happened. What I needed most was time to pull myself together and gentle reminders that I wasn't alone, that I had a lot of wonderful people who loved me and cared about me.

Unfortunately all women aren't so lucky.  One of my friends miscarried a few years ago and someone who meant well ended up saying the wrong things and ended up making the experience much harder. I know she isn't alone. Often it seems people in their rush to say something consoling just don't think before they speak so in my experience and opinion here are some things that you might not want to say.

First, it is NEVER okay to start making guesses at why it happened. The only thing that does is bring pain. The mom at that point doesn't need to hear from anyone that that maybe if she had just done things differently then it wouldn't have happened. That's between her, her husband, and her doctors - no one else. (Please also remember a lot of the time it's simply a fluke of genetics and nothing could have changed anything.) As for "it's all part of the plan" response - that's something once again the family needs to come to peace with on their own - the only thing hearing it from another person does is make them resentful.  "You can try again" just negates the hardship that the family has been through and places more weight on the ability/timing of trying again - to the point of making some women unhealthily obsessed with it instead of just allowing time to heal the wounds and take its course.

Those are just some of the experiences that stood out to me, I'm sure that other well meant words could be taken just as poorly. Still, everyone also has a different experience. As one friend said she had seen someone that bounced back the next day and another that pretty much couldn't leave her bedroom for over 6 months. And just in case you're wondering no, I don't think it's because some women are "stronger" than others, it is all just still a part of pregnancy - there all sorts of hormones and physical pain in addition to the emotional pain that goes on with all of it and there's also a lot to be said about personal circumstances and experience before it happens too.
 
I will go one step further about all of this- this is hard on the Dads too. My guess would be that pretty much the same rules apply to them as well- watch your words, remember they're likely to be pretty protective of their wives at this point and even though they're generally not as free to grieve openly over the loss, it's still a loss for them.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and I had been debating if I should share my story since it's been a while and then my dear friend lost her little one only a few weeks into the pregnancy. I can't take away her pain or even claim to know what she is feeling right now. What I can do is offer up my support and encouragement and say you're not alone. 

Life's Little Lessons: Cleaning the Lint Trap

Isn't it amazing the things we sometimes just don't know. As I'll admit freely I've got a lot to learn about all this homemaking stuff. There are so many little odds and ends that I'm picking up every day.

One of my most recent ones was dealing with my dryer. For way too long I've been struggling with it - all my clothes kept catching on the corner of the lint filter, it's ruined a fair share of clothes by pulling off stings and straps or creating holes and I just couldn't figure it out. Finally I decided I'd had enough and took a closer look. Common sense told me that the lint filter should be sitting farther down in the trap then it was. I'd been cleaning what I could see though and it didn't make a difference. I decided to see what happened if I put an old toothbrush down deeper into it. Sure enough I started pulling out gobs and gobs of lint. It was stuff that I just couldn't see or get to any other way. After I spent some time on it and got everything I could out low and behold the filter fit back into to the trap and the problem was solved.

I've been trying to make an effort and think about how my little daily experiences can teach me more about life. Well, sometimes I think we feel good when we make sure our visible areas are clean and taken care of but we forget to really reach down deep and fix the stuff that's hard to get. When we leave that stuff there eventually it builds up and starts damaging things. The good thing is that with a little time and effort all that stuff can be cleaned out and even though we may not always be able to fix the damage that's been done we can keep from creating further problems.

What I learned: Look Past the Clouds

The weather here has been absolutely crazy. It's been going back and forth between spring and winter and today feels like a bit of summer. The other day we were out running errands and one of the kids looked up and noticed that through all the haze of clouds there was a small patch of bright blue sky. I was driving so I couldn't take a picture then but it made me think for a minute. How many times in life are we faced with a sky full of clouds? Honestly, that feels like a lot of my life sometimes. Still isn't it amazing to take a second and think that even though we can only see the clouds that's just because we have a limited perspective. If we were to hop on an airplane we'd see a sky full of blue just hidden temporarily. The good things are there even when they are sometimes hidden. Don't let the clouds of life fool you into thinking that there's no more blue sky!

Life's Little Lessons: How to get what you want.

Bear is two. That really just about says it all. He is an absolutely joyous handful.  Recently his vocabulary has skyrocketed but there’s still so much that he struggles with communicating – hence the frustrating terrible two’s. Instead of getting frustrated with him (like I’m pretty sure I did with his big sister and brother) I’ve been trying to figure out what I can learn from him.

One of Bear’s favorite words and signs is the sign for “more” we get that a lot. When it gets frustrating for him is when he can’t communicate what he wants more of. We all know he wants something but figuring out just what can be a challenge.

It made me think about my own communication – how often do I communicate half of an idea or explain only half of what I need and then expect others to understand. It’s not really fair to them and it rarely gets me what I want.

I think that most people respond better when they are asked politely with a clear understanding of what’s needed and wanted.

No. One. Reads. Minds.

Lesson learned: If I want something or need something I need to not be afraid to just ask and make sure that I’m clear about what it is that I want.