My Two Cents: Overcoming the Tragedy of Hate

A few thoughts have been running through my mind since I found out about the murders in Orlando this past weekend. Although every time situations like this happen my heart twists in agony for the suffering of those involved, this one hit close to home since I grew up just outside Orlando and many of my friends still call it home. I was so thankful that Facebook has a new “check” where people in the area can let their friends know that they’re safe. I’m saddened beyond words that such a feature is needed but such is the world we live in.

Social media also has been great at proving just about everybody’s got an opinion on it. The right to free speech is letting them share and share they are. I’ve seen quite the range of comments and opinions and information about a variety of mostly related topics. Even though it’ll likely get lost in cyberland for the sake of my own peace of mind I’m adding my two cents for whatever they might be worth.

My first thought is that I think unfortunately we’ve gotten really good at trying to treat symptoms instead of actual problems. I may be wrong but I don’t think this is about guns and I don’t think it’s even really about the LBGT Community or Muslims or any of that. Those things all play into it sure, but there are plenty of Muslims that wouldn’t condone the actions taken, there are people that are part of the LBGT community that own guns and fully support freedom of religion, unfortunately there are Muslims that have attacked other groups of people using other kind of weapons, and even more to the point- there are many other people that have committed other atrocities that aren’t related to any of these things. What it all comes down to really is hate.

We’ve gotten more intellectual about our hate and we hide it well but it’s still there. We may not go to the extremes that that were involved in this instance but we still have it lurking beneath the surface. We hate the people that would do this sort of thing. We hate the people who have allowed this to happen. We hate the laws that didn’t stop it. We hate the way the reports have covered it. We hate that we can’t do anything about it. We hate that the world is in chaos. We hate that everyone’s prayers for the people involved haven’t changed what’s happened. We hate a lot.

I want it over with. Please don’t misunderstand me, I don’t condone the actions that were taken or want to in any way seem like I want to justify the choices that someone makes to harm anyone in any way. I just don’t want to live with the hating and blaming any more. That may seem overly naive but I’ve lived through the terror of tragedy that struck too close to home. I’ve been within feet of a classmate that decided to act on their hate and took the life of someone and changed his own forever. I know from experience that we can hate things and people all we want but it only perpetuates the cycle. It just makes us more bitter, more divided, and more afraid at times when what’s needed is more compassion, more unity, and more courage.

I really believe that unless we can remove the hatred these tragic events are not going to stop. Why would they? We can talk about gun control all we want but people with a desire to harm are still going to find a way to do it. We can legislate and debate back and forth with PC hogwash keeping us from admitting the basic fact that we’re all human. When we start putting labels on ourselves and others it keeps us distanced from them and throw in a dose of hate and it becomes us versus them. I have many friends in the LBGT community – do I love them because they’re part of that community? To me that would be ridiculous and shallow, I love them because they’re my friends and I treat them like I do all my other friends. Same goes for any other labeled group. It doesn’t mean I don’t acknowledge that people are different and face different challenges based on certain things. It just means that I know deep down that everyone has a story and a struggle and is worthy of compassion and understanding and space to work out their own crazy life in their own crazy way. I have enough problems of my own, why would I assume I can “fix” everyone else’s?!

I know I don’t have all the answers to what to do. I do know that Christ taught us to pray and that we should love our enemies. Sometimes that’s hard, Christ knew about that too though and He never put any conditional clarifiers on it which to me makes me think He probably meant it just the way He said it. So I’ll keep praying for those who have lost loved ones that somehow they’ll be able to find some measure of peace. I’ll also keep praying for those whose hearts are becoming lost to their hate.  I’ll pray for those of the rising generation that are growing up in fear of an unknown future. I’ll pray for love to come to all of us and fill us up where hate and fear have emptied and hardened us. Then I’ll keep trying to follow Christ’s example in taking those prayers and putting them into action. I’ll try harder to love deeper, I’ll try to look for the best in others so that they can see it in themselves, and I’ll trust in Him to help me know who might need an extra hug or helping hand. Though so far I'm incredibly imperfect at it and it hasn’t changed much, it has started to change me. Maybe with some time I won’t be so quick to judge. Maybe I won’t be so quick to take offense. Maybe I won’t be so caught up in my own story that I miss pages of beauty that could have been added by those around me. Maybe I’ll appreciate more the unique gift that each and every one of us are to the world and the greater story of history. Call me crazy but it doesn’t sound like much room left for any hate if I can manage all of that. Maybe I can’t change the world but I can change me. It may sound altruistic or downright corny but maybe when all is said and done that’s really all that matters – how much we’ve filled our hearts with love and how much we’ve shown that love to those around us.  

Family Forever

Once upon a time I was a stupid teenager. I had some things happen that I let damage my self-esteem pretty bad and ended up with a crowd of friends who although not ill-intentioned, simply did not have my same standards. Although I never committed any "serious" sins there was a short time when I was not worthy to enter the temple.

That may seem a bit strange or harsh to people not of our faith but we believe that the temples are the most sacred and holy places on earth - we believe that they are the House of God and the scriptures say "that all men, everywhere, must repent, or they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God, for no unclean thing can dwell there, or dwell in his presence" (Moses 6:57). If we want to be in God's House, if we hope to dwell in His Presence we must be clean and worthy.

So there I was, unable to enter the House of the Lord. All my life I grew up knowing how special temples were and it was devastating to me not to be able worthy to participate in those sacred experiences. My top priority became repentance and taking hold of the blessings of the Atonement so that I could return. I remember a special blend of feeling joyful and humble when I was able at last to enter in again that I now feel each time I enter. 

It was soon after this time that I found my favorite Primary song - I had always loved music and especially the church songs but this one took on special meaning to me.

I have a family here on earth.

They are so good to me.

I want to share my life with them through all eternity.

 Families can be together forever

Through Heavenly Father's plan.

I always want to be with my own family,

And the Lord has shown me how I can.

The Lord has shown me how I can.

 While I am in my early years,

I'll prepare most carefully,

So I can marry in God's temple for eternity.

 Families can be together forever

Through Heavenly Father's plan.

I always want to be with my own family,

And the Lord has shown me how I can.

The Lord has shown me how I can.

 

If there was a blessing in all that I went through, it was that I appreciated temples and eternal families like I had never done before. I knew with certainty that I could never settle for anything that wasn't forever. I wanted my family to be eternal and that I would have to continue to make sure that I was worthy and focused if that was going to happen.

Fast forward a bit and I knelt across the alter from my very best friend and made sacred promises with him and the Lord that no matter what came our way we would stay focused on eternity together. When I look at my husband, my children, when I think of my parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents - I feel an indescribable joy and overwhelming gratitude for how very blessed I am. I am so grateful that the priesthood was restored and that temples are once again on the earth and that we can be sealed together as a family forever.

 

In our ward during April we focused a lot on temples and families. We made a ward goal for everyone to try and get their families to go to the temple together - at least to walk around the grounds and feel the Spirit there. We were able to go as a family to both Boston and Montreal and see the temples there. 

 

No my kids weren't the most reverent while we there, yes it was a difficult thing to get everyone together and do the long drive. Would I do it again? Of course! Even though it was challenging and I imagine it will remain so no matter what the future brings, having our family together at the temple, teaching our children that they are part of our family forever, showing them how much we love them and God loves them are some of the most treasured moments of my life. 

 

I hope that by helping them focus on the things of eternity so they will be able to remember who they are and where they are going and know without a doubt that they are children of a Heavenly Father who loves them, and wants to keep the commandments and be clean not only so that they can be happy in this life but so He can bring them home to live with Him again to live in his eternal joy with all our loved ones together forever. 

my greatest blessings

Musings at Midnight: Kids, Compassion, and the Curse of the Mombie

This week has been hard. I think everyone has certain things that are their triggers – personal weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Well, one of my big ones is sleep. I realize for many people it’s not a big deal if they lose a few hours, even on a regular basis, but I love my sleep. If I don’t get a decent amount I’m pretty much good for nothing aside from being extra cranky and clumsy and confused (and probably confusing). Seriously, it’s like so much of me that wants to do good things and love and help just shuts down and I can barely function.

Funny thing is- I’ve got kids. Although everyone jokes about the sleepless nights of parenthood most people really are back to getting at least a somewhat decent night’s sleep by the time that the child is at least a year old if not sooner.

That’s pretty much how it went with Monkey. Sure she had some nights that were hard but those quickly became the exception instead of the rule. Then we had Tiger – he would wake up between 1-5 times a night up until he was around 4 ½. We tried everything – even just letting him cry it out wasn’t going to work. I was lucky if I got a solid 7 hours in maybe once or twice a month. Then we had Bear – for his first month or so he was a fabulous little sleeper, unfortunately it didn’t last and even at a little over 3 years old now he generally wakes up at least 1-3 times every night with maybe a full 6 or 7 hour stretch of sleep at night every 3-5 months.

I blissfully got one of those days the other week and naively convinced myself that we might be making progress. I should know better. The very next night he had a stuffy nose and woke up after about only two hours of sleep and spent the rest of the night sleeping only in small stretches that would go from 20 minutes to 1 hour or so. He’s still fighting his cold so now we’re about a week into this new sleep schedule and I feel like I’m becoming a mombie (a zombie that’s not so creepy and continues to have to do mom stuff like dishes and laundry and cooking because that’s what I’m programmed to do not because I’m actually capable of thinking intelligently 90% of the time).

The other night he woke up just after midnight - again. I had really been hoping that I might get a reprieve and get at least one good night in. For some reason my usual selfish reaction that’s been to want to scream and throw things and growl at him held off and I just felt love and compassion for my little man who needed rest so badly but was having such a hard time getting it. As I carried him down to snuggle him back to sleep on the couch a few lines from one of my favorite church hymns came to mind.

I warmed and clothed and cheered my guest

And laid him on my couch to rest,

Then made the earth my bed and seemed

In Eden's garden while I dreamed.

Then in a moment to my view

The stranger started from disguise.

The tokens in his hands I knew;

The Savior stood before mine eyes.

He spake, and my poor name he named,

"Of me thou hast not been ashamed.

These deeds shall thy memorial be;

Fear not, thou didst them unto me."

Yes, I had given up sleep in my nice comfortable bed and was left to have to share a couch with my wiggly snuggler that makes it hard to sleep even after he goes back down but in that moment I didn’t feel like it mattered so much as it had before. Yes, it was a sacrifice to love and serve this little one but it hit me keenly that as I serve Him I serve Christ who not only chose to suffer intimately all that I would endure but all that Bear would endure and loves us both more than we can understand. I knew that even though all my prayerful pleadings hadn’t been answered in the way I had hoped that Christ had heard me and loved me and for the time being, I just needed to love my sweet little one and trust in God's gifts and greater plan.

The next morning I found myself reading from "Hold onThy Way" – an October 2015 General Conference address by Elder Koichi Aoyagi. He talks about a time earlier in his life when he had been trying to serve the Lord but ended up with injuries that caused him pain that lasted for over a decade. He prayed for relief but the pain persisted. He began to seriously struggle and wonder why. He did his best though to endure and remain faithful and at a particularly hard time, he talked with a trusted church leader who changed his perspective and asked him, “Brother Aoyagi, isn’t your purpose for being on this earth to experience this trial? Isn’t it to accept all the trials of this life for what they are and then leave the rest up to the Lord? Don’t you think that this problem will be resolved when we are resurrected?”

Elder Aoyagi then referenced God’s response to Joseph Smith’s pleas for help in a moment of great trial and testing “Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. …“Therefore, hold on thy way … , for God shall be with you forever and ever.” (D&C 122:7,9)

I was thankful for the reminder so soon after my insight of the previous night that confirmed my thoughts and helped to continue to put things into a more eternal perspective. It made me think of another recent General Conference talk that touched me deeply given by Sister Carole M. Stephens in the April 2015 Women’s Session of Conference titled “The Family Is of God”

In the premortal life, we learned that we would need a period of mortality. We “accepted [Heavenly Father’s] plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize [our] divine destiny as heirs of eternal life.”

Elder Richard G. Scott explained that “we were taught in the premortal world that our purpose in coming here is to be tested, tried, and stretched.” That stretching comes in as many forms as there are individuals experiencing it. I’ve never had to live through divorce, the pain and insecurity that comes from abandonment, or the responsibility associated with being a single mother. I haven’t experienced the death of a child, infertility, or same-gender attraction. I haven’t had to endure abuse, chronic illness, or addiction. These have not been my stretching opportunities.

So right now some of you are thinking, “Well then, Sister Stephens, you just don’t understand!” And I answer that you may be right. I don’t completely understand your challenges. But through my personal tests and trials—the ones that have brought me to my knees—I have become well acquainted with the One who does understand, He who was “acquainted with grief,” who experienced all and understands all. And in addition, I have experienced all of the mortal tests that I just mentioned through the lens of a daughter, mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, and friend.

Our opportunity as covenant-keeping daughters of God is not just to learn from our own challenges; it is to unite in empathy and compassion as we support other members of the family of God in their struggles, as we have covenanted to do.

When we do so, we also come to understand and trust that the Savior knows the difficulties of the way and can guide us through whatever sorrows and disappointments may come. He is true charity, and His love “endureth forever”—in part through us as we follow Him.”

So anyways, even though we were tired we made it through another day. Getting ready for bed that night I realized that my lesson wasn’t quite finished. As I tried to help Bear find some relief from his cold so that he might be able to feel and sleep a little better he absolutely refused all but my most gentle efforts - efforts that although somewhat helpful and mildly soothing really would bring only a minimum amount of relief over the course of the night. My other attempts to help him were all too scary or painful for him to contemplate enough for me to implement without causing greater pain. 

So I realized it was with me. Surely I had prayed for greater patience, love, understanding and many other things. Was there a chance that these sleepless nights and hazy days were a part of my refining process? In some way had they been purposely given to help me achieve something that I desperately needed? Yes, they were draining and I hurt mentally, physically, and to some degree emotionally - but just because I couldn’t understand the workings of the Great Physician would I fight against His plan for my health, growth, and ultimate happiness? Do I really want to take a path that feels a little more safe and comfortable but ultimately will take a much longer time with a lot more pain before I can receive the blessings I need? What if that path leaves me unprepared at crucial future moments to face the challenges I will need to face or be strong enough to support those that I love that will need me?

Perhaps it was just the sleep deprivation talking but over the past day or two since I’ve made a conscious effort to bear my small burden with more patience and compassion. I’ve still struggled and in moments have fallen short in exhausted frustration but my overall perception and perspective have changed and I know that it’ll all work out just the way it should. After all, now that he’s a little older Tiger is my best sleeper and once he goes down can sleep a solid night through just about any amount of noise and chaos and that's a gift that I'm sure he'll be grateful for in the years to come!