My thoughts are a bit of a mess this morning. Well actually
I’m a bit of a mess this morning. See going on nearly 2 years with only one or
two nights that include uninterrupted sleep for greater than 7 hours (most nights I get 4 hours and then up once more before we have to start the day) can do
that to a person. So why do you care? Well, honestly I don’t know if you do.
But a few nights ago I had some thoughts on this.
See it was midnight. I’d been to sleep for one glorious hour
before my adorable alarm clock decided to go off. I fed him and walked him and
tried to put him back down but he had none of it. So I tried the cycle again.
It failed again. So we walked, and walked, and walked. (If you’re LDS yes, I
felt like one of the little pioneer children). He wouldn’t let me sit or lay
down without bawling. The only way I could keep him content was to just keep
walking.
I remember going through these same nights with Tiger. He
was actually a much worse sleeper than Bear is (at least so far, I’m crossing
my fingers, and knocking on wood!). I couldn’t sleep well through much of my
pregnancy and then he would regularly wake up 1-5 times a night until he was
about 4 ½ . I used to count myself lucky if I could get in one good night every
two months with him.
It’s kind of funny, sometimes I think God gives me these
nights to draw a little nearer to Him. Because often that’s all that’s left
when I get into that endless, mindless, forever pacing, at least after I’m done
crying because I don’t think my arms can hold them a second longer. I usually
end up going back to God, pleading with Him for help and understanding. Why can’t
this child that I love so much just relax and get the rest that they need? Why
do they demand so much that I feel unable to give? What am I doing wrong? How
am I supposed to get anything done or be any good to anyone when physically,
emotionally, and mentally I am completely spent?
I still don’t really have all the answers. I have however
come to realize that I can look at this two ways – I can continue moaning, crying,
and whining or I can try and look for the good. Here are just a few of the
blessings that I’m trying to focus on –
I am thankful that I have been blessed with three beautiful
children. I wouldn’t trade them for anything – even for a few nights of
uninterrupted sleep.
I am thankful that even though it’s small and simple in its
own way I know that the service and love I give to these children helps me
become a little more like my Savior.
I am thankful that in these quiet hours of service I have
been blessed at times (mostly those times when I allow myself to just relax and let go) to
be able to feel the Spirit whispering answers to questions I have had and
helping me sort through problems that I’ve been pondering over.
I am thankful to know that these moments were part of the
Savior’s atonement. He knows my aching arms and tired feet. He knows my tears
and pain. If I will allow myself to be comforted, He stands ready and waiting.
In short I can look at these challenges of life and parenting as boulders that block my path or mountains to lift me as I climb. People say that these years fly by too quickly and I know
that’s true. These little ones will only be little for so long and then they
won’t need me to be there to wipe their tears and help them relax into a
peaceful slumber. I often hear the “oh you think it’s a burden now but you’ll
miss it when it’s gone”. I’m still not sure about that one but at least I know
that if I keep looking for the good then I’ll be able to smile and look back and remember these days with
fondness, grateful that I was so blessed.
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