Musings at Midnight: Kids, Compassion, and the Curse of the Mombie

This week has been hard. I think everyone has certain things that are their triggers – personal weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Well, one of my big ones is sleep. I realize for many people it’s not a big deal if they lose a few hours, even on a regular basis, but I love my sleep. If I don’t get a decent amount I’m pretty much good for nothing aside from being extra cranky and clumsy and confused (and probably confusing). Seriously, it’s like so much of me that wants to do good things and love and help just shuts down and I can barely function.

Funny thing is- I’ve got kids. Although everyone jokes about the sleepless nights of parenthood most people really are back to getting at least a somewhat decent night’s sleep by the time that the child is at least a year old if not sooner.

That’s pretty much how it went with Monkey. Sure she had some nights that were hard but those quickly became the exception instead of the rule. Then we had Tiger – he would wake up between 1-5 times a night up until he was around 4 ½. We tried everything – even just letting him cry it out wasn’t going to work. I was lucky if I got a solid 7 hours in maybe once or twice a month. Then we had Bear – for his first month or so he was a fabulous little sleeper, unfortunately it didn’t last and even at a little over 3 years old now he generally wakes up at least 1-3 times every night with maybe a full 6 or 7 hour stretch of sleep at night every 3-5 months.

I blissfully got one of those days the other week and naively convinced myself that we might be making progress. I should know better. The very next night he had a stuffy nose and woke up after about only two hours of sleep and spent the rest of the night sleeping only in small stretches that would go from 20 minutes to 1 hour or so. He’s still fighting his cold so now we’re about a week into this new sleep schedule and I feel like I’m becoming a mombie (a zombie that’s not so creepy and continues to have to do mom stuff like dishes and laundry and cooking because that’s what I’m programmed to do not because I’m actually capable of thinking intelligently 90% of the time).

The other night he woke up just after midnight - again. I had really been hoping that I might get a reprieve and get at least one good night in. For some reason my usual selfish reaction that’s been to want to scream and throw things and growl at him held off and I just felt love and compassion for my little man who needed rest so badly but was having such a hard time getting it. As I carried him down to snuggle him back to sleep on the couch a few lines from one of my favorite church hymns came to mind.

I warmed and clothed and cheered my guest

And laid him on my couch to rest,

Then made the earth my bed and seemed

In Eden's garden while I dreamed.

Then in a moment to my view

The stranger started from disguise.

The tokens in his hands I knew;

The Savior stood before mine eyes.

He spake, and my poor name he named,

"Of me thou hast not been ashamed.

These deeds shall thy memorial be;

Fear not, thou didst them unto me."

Yes, I had given up sleep in my nice comfortable bed and was left to have to share a couch with my wiggly snuggler that makes it hard to sleep even after he goes back down but in that moment I didn’t feel like it mattered so much as it had before. Yes, it was a sacrifice to love and serve this little one but it hit me keenly that as I serve Him I serve Christ who not only chose to suffer intimately all that I would endure but all that Bear would endure and loves us both more than we can understand. I knew that even though all my prayerful pleadings hadn’t been answered in the way I had hoped that Christ had heard me and loved me and for the time being, I just needed to love my sweet little one and trust in God's gifts and greater plan.

The next morning I found myself reading from "Hold onThy Way" – an October 2015 General Conference address by Elder Koichi Aoyagi. He talks about a time earlier in his life when he had been trying to serve the Lord but ended up with injuries that caused him pain that lasted for over a decade. He prayed for relief but the pain persisted. He began to seriously struggle and wonder why. He did his best though to endure and remain faithful and at a particularly hard time, he talked with a trusted church leader who changed his perspective and asked him, “Brother Aoyagi, isn’t your purpose for being on this earth to experience this trial? Isn’t it to accept all the trials of this life for what they are and then leave the rest up to the Lord? Don’t you think that this problem will be resolved when we are resurrected?”

Elder Aoyagi then referenced God’s response to Joseph Smith’s pleas for help in a moment of great trial and testing “Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. …“Therefore, hold on thy way … , for God shall be with you forever and ever.” (D&C 122:7,9)

I was thankful for the reminder so soon after my insight of the previous night that confirmed my thoughts and helped to continue to put things into a more eternal perspective. It made me think of another recent General Conference talk that touched me deeply given by Sister Carole M. Stephens in the April 2015 Women’s Session of Conference titled “The Family Is of God”

In the premortal life, we learned that we would need a period of mortality. We “accepted [Heavenly Father’s] plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize [our] divine destiny as heirs of eternal life.”

Elder Richard G. Scott explained that “we were taught in the premortal world that our purpose in coming here is to be tested, tried, and stretched.” That stretching comes in as many forms as there are individuals experiencing it. I’ve never had to live through divorce, the pain and insecurity that comes from abandonment, or the responsibility associated with being a single mother. I haven’t experienced the death of a child, infertility, or same-gender attraction. I haven’t had to endure abuse, chronic illness, or addiction. These have not been my stretching opportunities.

So right now some of you are thinking, “Well then, Sister Stephens, you just don’t understand!” And I answer that you may be right. I don’t completely understand your challenges. But through my personal tests and trials—the ones that have brought me to my knees—I have become well acquainted with the One who does understand, He who was “acquainted with grief,” who experienced all and understands all. And in addition, I have experienced all of the mortal tests that I just mentioned through the lens of a daughter, mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, and friend.

Our opportunity as covenant-keeping daughters of God is not just to learn from our own challenges; it is to unite in empathy and compassion as we support other members of the family of God in their struggles, as we have covenanted to do.

When we do so, we also come to understand and trust that the Savior knows the difficulties of the way and can guide us through whatever sorrows and disappointments may come. He is true charity, and His love “endureth forever”—in part through us as we follow Him.”

So anyways, even though we were tired we made it through another day. Getting ready for bed that night I realized that my lesson wasn’t quite finished. As I tried to help Bear find some relief from his cold so that he might be able to feel and sleep a little better he absolutely refused all but my most gentle efforts - efforts that although somewhat helpful and mildly soothing really would bring only a minimum amount of relief over the course of the night. My other attempts to help him were all too scary or painful for him to contemplate enough for me to implement without causing greater pain. 

So I realized it was with me. Surely I had prayed for greater patience, love, understanding and many other things. Was there a chance that these sleepless nights and hazy days were a part of my refining process? In some way had they been purposely given to help me achieve something that I desperately needed? Yes, they were draining and I hurt mentally, physically, and to some degree emotionally - but just because I couldn’t understand the workings of the Great Physician would I fight against His plan for my health, growth, and ultimate happiness? Do I really want to take a path that feels a little more safe and comfortable but ultimately will take a much longer time with a lot more pain before I can receive the blessings I need? What if that path leaves me unprepared at crucial future moments to face the challenges I will need to face or be strong enough to support those that I love that will need me?

Perhaps it was just the sleep deprivation talking but over the past day or two since I’ve made a conscious effort to bear my small burden with more patience and compassion. I’ve still struggled and in moments have fallen short in exhausted frustration but my overall perception and perspective have changed and I know that it’ll all work out just the way it should. After all, now that he’s a little older Tiger is my best sleeper and once he goes down can sleep a solid night through just about any amount of noise and chaos and that's a gift that I'm sure he'll be grateful for in the years to come!